My husband, David, and I have been married for 15 years, since we were both 19 years old. About five years ago, he revealed that he thought he was gay. He saw a therapist and after three sessions concluded he was not. Now the issue has come up again. He tells me he is attracted to men, that he is bisexual, but that he loves me and wants to have children with me. I am finding it difficult to stay committed to our marriage; some days I feel like packing my bags and leaving. Is it possible David is trying to come to terms with being gay? Can our marriage be saved? Can a person be bisexual and lead a monogamous, heterosexual life?
Sure, a particular individual can be bisexual and be happily settled in marriage. Most married people experience strong sexual attractions outside their primary relationship but don’t act on those feelings if they put their spouse and their marriage first. A spouse who struggles with outside attractions to either men or women isn’t necessarily going through a different emotional process from a spouse who struggles with outside attractions to both men and women.

But that said, your concern about whether Richard is gay is a very real one, and it’s good that you’re facing this painful question squarely. Right now, however, you do not have enough information to be certain about Richard’s sexual orientation — as perhaps neither does he.

You say he concluded after three therapy sessions that he wasn’t gay, but that is not enough time to even begin to explore the issue. It’s possible that David anxiously and prematurely bolted from treatment — or that his therapist discouraged real exploration. Not all therapists are free of the biases and prejudices of our homophobic culture.

You and David have a long shared history, and you have formed your entire adult identities as life partners. You owe it to yourselves and to each other to stay connected in the face of pain, ambiguity, and uncertainty. At this point, I recommend you both put all decisions about staying or leaving on the back burner until you can sort things out a bit more.

I also suggest you put the baby idea on hold. I’m sure Richard means it when he says he wants to have children with you, and you may be his best friend in the world. But it’s never a good idea to take the irreversible step of having a child while a significant marital issue remains unresolved. To do so would undoubtedly be an anxiety-based decision rather than a careful choice. Many people have babies as an attempt to solve a marital problem, but there is no problem for which having a child is a solution.

My advice will be extremely difficult to follow in the face of the fear, confusion, and pain you must naturally feel at this time. So before you attempt to put any plan into action, make sure you have a good support system in place, including friends, family, and a good therapist if you can find one. Nothing is more important than taking good care of yourself and getting a grip on your anxiety.

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