My suggestion is that you don’t try to “save” your marriage or pressure David in this direction. Instead, ask him to make a commitment to honesty and truth-telling. Consider encouraging David to consult a therapist who has expertise with gay clients. As threatening as this idea may be, it’s best for both of you if real feelings can be acknowledged and shared. If David’s desire for men is a core aspect of his self, it will not disappear. True and authentic desire — the ultimate honesty — may win out in the end, no matter how much David loves and respects and vows his loyalty to you, in front of God and everybody else.
While it’s possible to have a good marriage if one or both partners are bisexual, it’s not possible to have a good marriage if one or both partners are dishonest or living a lie. And if David is indeed gay and denies this reality to you or to himself, the outcome can only be an inauthentic and compromised marriage.

Keep the lines of communication open with Shon, as you remind him that honesty — not loyalty — is your most important priority. When you feel strong enough, you can ask him questions over time that will allow you to know him better as a sexual person. When did he first become aware of his sexual feelings toward other men? Does he have sexual fantasies and attractions to both men and women outside the marriage — or only to men? If you were to disappear tomorrow, would he feel free to move toward men (or toward one particular man), or might he see himself remarrying in the future? If he were to discover that he were gay, what would he fear most?

Don’t ask David to tell you anything that you’re not ready to hear, and try not to punish him for telling the truth. Keep in mind that difficult truths are not told in one sitting; rather, they are deepened and refined over time. Do your part to provide safe conditions for honest conversation. A question you might consider asking at a calm time is, “David, do you think our marriage has become a shelter for both of us — that maybe neither of us is being totally honest with ourselves?”

But also understand that when it comes to sex, many people deceive their partners through silence and lies and take their secrets to the grave. You can’t force David to tell you the truth, nor can he be any more honest with you than he is with himself.

What you need to trust most are your own feelings, intuitions, and needs. So avoid getting over focused on David and under focused on yourself. Only you can figure out what is right and best for you. Only you can determine whether this marriage meets your needs for sexual and emotional intimacy and security, and how terrified you are to end it or to keep it going. Aim for an objective evaluation of yourself, of Shon, and of your relationship. Be patient with yourself as you struggle to uncover and share your own truths.

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