Communicating With Your Sex Partner. Part 1

1Oct

You rush to greet your partner as he arrives home from work. You’re coiffed, perfumed and in the mood for love. The table is set, the candles lit, the lights dim and soft music is playing.
But he blows past you and heads for the kitchen. He turns the lights on, grabs a cold soda and bellows, “Hey, honey, how soon is dinner? Do I have time to change my oil?”

Or, on the flip side, he’s feeling amorous just when you’re stressing out about the report due at work the next day. You derail his advances by feigning sleep. Annoyed, he gives up.

The way you each handle these short-circuited intimacies may not only determine whether you will salvage the evening, but also may reveal whether you have a chance of improving your relationship through honest communication, marriage experts say.

Some women, when rebuffed by a spouse who’s more interested in dinner than in seduction, may burst into tears, flee to the bedroom and change from a silk negligee to a sweat suit. The atmosphere in the bedroom that night will likely be chillier than the champagne that sits unopened on the dinner table.

Some men, when rejected, may be able to communicate their anger and disappointment. Others may suppress their feelings, continuing a recurring pattern of behavior that sabotages closeness and sexual intimacy.

What It’s About
It’s all about communication, says Dr. David N. Lombard, a clinical psychologist at Parkview Behavioral Health in Fort Wayne, Ind. Lombard works in a primary-care setting. Much of his time is spent counseling sexually dysfunctional couples on the importance of effective communication.

A common problem is that people often see sexual intimacy as a conquest, Lombard says. In viewing orgasm as a “destination,” they forget to enjoy the “journey.”

“A lot of it has to do with honesty,” he said of troubled relationships. “Even some liberal thinkers were raised conservatively, so that sex, like cancer, became a topic they don’t feel comfortable thinking about or discussing with a partner.”

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